How to Be Miserable and Self-centered

First, wake up. Begin thinking of all things you are currently not allowed to do, and how to get them done.

Self-centered Expert Tip: If your parents are the ones holding you back, make sure to nag them. Nag especially when they are on the phone or in the shower. Any other times when they are busy will be good times to strike. The key is to get them to say yes when they are not thinking straight. (Later you can always hold them to their word).

2. Stay in bed till your mom has told you over three times to get up. If your mom does not make you get out of bed by force, get comfortable and stay in bed tell she has told you five times. Be aware that she may pour water on you, if you are not out of bed by the seventh warning. Punishment for not getting up may vary from family to family. Make sure to get up in time to have one hour to prepare for school.

3. Once you get out of bed, bolt for the bathroom. You must get there before your siblings, in order to hog it. Once you are there switch on the light. Take at least one hour getting ready. If you are a girl spend an exceedingly long time doing your hair to get a natural look. Afterwards spend another eon doing your makeup, then stare at yourself for a moment to take in the pure beauty of your face. After all of this, put on some savvy clothes (even if they are not your style make sure to be up to date so you can express yourself in a unique way just like everyone else). Make sure to practice a fake giggle, and or work on your alligator tears. If your sibling asks through the door if you are okay simply shout “None of your business”.  If you are a boy your preparations will take less time. Apply generous amounts of hair gel (1/4 of a bottle is recommended), to keep that new look fresh and awesome. It is extremely important that you take thirty minutes on your hair, that way your siblings can experience full exasperation, and you can practice that cool smirk you’ve got up your sleeve. Practice groovy smiles in the mirror. After these preparations, put on a up to date shirt and some skinny jeans. Get out your shoes (they should be either tennis shoes, boots, or black zip up shoes that come up a little bit past your ankles.) Anything otherwise is unacceptable. This is so that you can be unique, and fit in.

4.   Head to school. Make a mental note of who is acceptable to hang out with and who is not. The people you are friends with will make or break your popularity.  Ignore anyone who is not cool. This category includes kids who swim against the crowd, teachers, and kids younger than yourself. As soon as you get out of the car start taking a bunch of selfies. When you are in class shoot spitballs, and pass notes to people. It will make them laugh and boost your appearance of fashion.

5. Go home and wonder why your life feels so shallow and fake. Everyone likes you but you don’t know any of them for the real person. Deep down inside you know they feel the same. Go to sleep that night. Wake up next morning. Repeat the whole thing.